Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mysteries of Life

Throughout recorded time, man has pondered many serious and mind boggling concepts and questions. Our ability to reason, dissect a situation, formulate an answer, and then apply that knowledge to the world around us is one of the fundamental differences between us and the lesser species such as gophers, penguins, moose and the Swedish. Many items have piqued our curiosity over the years, causing our best thinkers and philosophers to agonize over seemingly impossible decisions. Is the Earth flat? Is time a variable or a constant? Is there life on other planets? Who shot J.R.? All pivotal questions in our evolution as a species. But despite all of these, and the myriad of other incredibly important conundrums that mankind has faced, there remains one question that is vastly more important, exceptionally more difficult, and incredibly more profound…

What's better, a slutty schoolgirl or a hot MILF?

Read that again. Now look at me. Then back at the question. Now back to me. Mull it over for a second. Odds are you already had an answer. No, don't tell me. Shhh. Just ponder, gentle warrior, just ponder. Everyone thinks they know the answer right off, but oh, it is never that simple. Never so straight forward as that. In order to truly understand what it is being asked here, one has to understand the very nature of the human psyche, the very core of the human experience. Now, I can’t promise to get you the answer you so desperately yearn for, but I am hoping that my years of experience as a perverted old man will help you better understand the question.

Let’s start by analyzing our two options. First we have the Slutty Schoolgirl. She is, of course, the the very pinnacle of the forbidden fruit, packaged so nicely in a uniform that shows you just enough to pique your interest, but holds enough back to tantalize your imagination. She is the 16, 18, 15, 18 and over girl next door. She smiles coyly at your and bites her lower lip. She is the girl that makes you feel like an old man at 24, and possesses a vocabulary that is about 83% dominated by the word “like”.

Looks good, doesn’t she? Nice, supple skin. A pretty face. Perky little ass. Oh but be warned my friends, it isn’t all peaches and cream here. There are some serious items to consider before deciding that the slutty school girl is in fact, the ultimate fantasy.


Is young and therefore has tons of youthful energy.
Doesn’t have the worldly experience to check her drink for roofies.
Can be distracted by shiny things.
Breasts are likely above hip level.
There is about a 78% chance she has a tramp stamp. This allows you to know which end is up in your drunken haze.


Let’s be honest, she might have energy, but you don’t. She expects more than your “special move”. AKA: Three thrusts and sleepy time.
Hasn’t become bitter and jaded yet, so will likely have expectations for you.
Twilight. She likes it.
Is likely accustomed to guys her own age, and their genetically enhanced super cocks.
Hasn’t been trained yet to be quiet when the Hockey game is on.

Oh, but now we can look to the other half of our puzzle. The Yin to the Slutty School Girl’s Yang. Wow, that sounds kinda sexy. Where was I? Oh yes, this brings us to the Sexy MILF. Now, there are types, subtypes, classifications and definitions of the MILF. Does she have to be a mother? Is there an age range? Well folks, for the purposes of this thoughtful analysis, we shall use the benchmark of a woman who is 32 years of age or older, that has that slightly used look to her, and haunted eyes that have seen too much. Oh, and is totally boneable.

The Sexy MILF is an enigma, clearly on the the declining years of her prime, but composed of a raw sexual energy that is begging to be unleashed. She is a creature that is likely looking for an outlet, looking to find a moment that takes her back to her glory years wearing as a waitress at a shitty bar that where all the guys wanted her, and she teased their dicks for tips. You know, the good old days. It takes a special kind of man to track, trap and tame the wild MILF, as she can be coy and random in her wanderings. Anybody can bag an older woman, but only the bravest, most steadfast, and quick witted of men can coral the Sexy MILF.


Way more likely to make you after sex pancakes. Mmm, after sex pancakes.
All those filthy things you love to do? Yeah, she’s game.
Doesn’t expect you to buy her pretty things. Is usually content when you buy her a pack of smokes or a case of beer. Practical items, you know?
See that golf ball? See that garden hose? Sure, maybe she can’t quite do it, but she’ll give it her best try.
Years. Of. Experience.


Likely knows exactly what great sex is. Very good chance that you ain’t it.
May have to cut sexual escapades short as her kids have soccer practice. No, it won’t matter if you have gone past the point of no return.
Can be easily distracted by songs from the 80s or 90s, especially during sex. For the love of god, turn the radio off if you don’t want her to start singing The Cure.
Has many more years of experience leading guys on. Can likely milk a guy for drinks all night, and then walk away.
Slutty School girls know you want them. Sexy MILFs know you want them and are willing to do anything to get them. Dangerous bit of knowledge there.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a simply answer to this mystery. It may in fact be one of those unanswerable questions. All I can do is present you with the facts, and allow you to draw your own conclusions. Contemplate my friends. Meditate and seek enlightenment. Hopefully I have started you on a spiritual journey. One of self discovery, and improvement of the soul. The points I have raised are but the tip of the iceberg, there is still so much more to analyze. I am still hoping to get a very large grant to help my… study… of the subject.

Thank you gentle readers, and have a pleasant day and a good night.

By the way, the answer is MILFs. MILFs are fucking awesome.


  1. They like twilight. HA!

  2. Although as a MILF lover myself, I am therefore technically a motherfucker.