Monday, August 30, 2010

Give someone the Evil Eye today!

This blog is mostly about displacement, which basically means exteriorizing violence, physical or otherwise, unto unsuspecting, innocent, sometimes even inanimate objects. This violence arises from everyday frustrations stemming from lack of control over mundane, unpleasant situations.

This being said, let us move forward into a list of things that suck.

  • Website age-checkers: I haven't watched a movie or videogame trailer in months. The reason being that most websites are now plagued with this ignominous age-checker and how I promptly close the window before running outside and thrashing a parcometer. To fill this age-checker is such a useless gesture - I'm sure most kids below 18 lie about their age, watch the content, and then flog themselves into bloody agony. And why the hell don't porn websites have them? This reeks of bureaucratic legislative shenanigans.
  • Infomercials: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. For instance, if everyone wore bright pink spandex everyday, soon enough our alien overlords would neutron-bomb this place out of sheer embarrassment - experiment over, time to start anew. Infomercials have been the blight of television since time immemorial, only because some human beings with no dignity sink to the level of producing them, just because they can. These people should instead do something helpful, like killing mosquitoes. You know, there's a reason why Billy Mays is dead and the Slap Chop guy is in prison: it's God's work.
It's either that or spray-on hair.
  • Guys in suits: Walk around a bit downtown and eventually you'll come across three loud-speaking guys in suits. It's always the same: they're three guys, they smoke cigars, they talk about which hotel they slept in, they walk super slow and they take the entire width of the sidewalk, like they own it. If you run into them, they will grunt and give you the evil eye, like you're some kind of degenerate city-dwelling low-life. I usually walk right up to or past them and offer the best graphic display of nose-picking I can muster.
  • Zombie commercials: I call them zombie commercials because, like zombies, no matter how hard you try - shotguns, chainsaws, Dennis Miller jokes - these commercials just won't stop airing. A few examples are that god damned Mini-Wheats singing bastard, those Charmin' bears who spend all day wiping their asses against trees, and all Ford commercials that show happy families and invent words like "econergetic" or "cashtration".
  • The Quebec government: This week, I had to send the provincial government an income tax cheque of $9.71. This made me so angry, I won't even bother putting an accent on the word "Quebec" even though I'm a french guy.
  • Nicolas Cage: The guy is charming and is pretty handsome, yes. If I was a bit gayer, I'd go as far as saying I'd gladly shag the guy, given the opportunity. But why did he always end up sleeping with all the insanely hottest women in all Hollywood in literally all his movies in the 90's? I mean, was he really that hot?
So many things my little mind does not understand.

  • Super long game names: If you're gonna invest thousands of man-hours, several millions of dollars and months of development, at least have the decency to limit the length of your games to three concise words. The following games should be banned for the stupidity of their names:
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King
SpongeBob SquarePants Featuring Nicktoons - Globs of Doom
Tetris The Grand Master 4: The Master of Round
Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie
The Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle Earth II: Rise of the Witch King

That's it for today, as I'm about to sell everything I own and go live with the Pygmies.

Friday, August 20, 2010

George Lucas needs a fist enema.

Imagine if Leonardo Da Vinci, moments before painting the Mona Lisa, had said "Fuck it, I'm gonna start the first ever boy band!", robbing mankind of one of its most inspiring pieces of art and screwing history forever in the process. It would also pretty much have spoiled everything he had ever created up to that point.

Well, that is precisely what George Lucas did in 1983 when he decided to include fucking teddybears in a battle of galactic proportions. He chose selling out over artistic integrity, and that made little Max very angry.

The Empire Strikes Back is my favorite sci-fi movie ever*, but all the suckage that followed almost cancels that. Here is a handy list of things that suck about the Star Wars franchise:

  • Ewoks.
  • Jar Jar Binks.
  • All that Special Edition bullshit where Greedo shoots first and every scene is littered with noisy Hasbro merchandise. (it's kinda like if Da Vinci had taken the Mona Lisa and went ahead to change its looks for something extremely stupid yet modern... think Max Headroom, who incidentally looks like a coked-up dealer)
Holy fuck, really?
  • Hayden Christensen and Jake Lloyd. (Why?)
  • All that Clone Wars nonsense. Nobody gives a crap. (Although, what Genndy Tartakovsky did with it was pretty damn mind-blowing - look it up)
  • George finally decides he wants to release his crapfest on Bluray, but it'll be Special Edition only. I already own the old trilogy TWICE on VHS and once on DVD. I really am a huge moron.
  • Fact: You can't shoot an entire trilogy in front of green screens; the actors will become depressed, even suicidal.
  • etc.
The way George Lucas defiled his creation makes me wanna go ski on a pair of elephant tusks while eating beluga kebabs. Here is a bunch of other things that ire me today:

  • Garbage trucks: The other day, a garbage truck drove by. Like all other garbage trucks, it was preceded by 100 meters of that foul garbage truck smell, and followed by another 250 meters of it. But then, it turned the corner a bit too fast and dropped a few gallons of that vile, sod-ridden garbage juice. This shit needs to stop at some point so we can become a bona fide, so-called civilization.
  • Cucumber makis: Who the hell invented these? They're more insulting than that homeless guy at the park who took a leak on me and stole my wallet while I was asleep.
I'd rather get slapped in the balls.

  • Mini-Wheats gunk: Very tasty cereal, but try eating an entire bowl of that weird hay-like stuff at the bottom of each box. Makes you feel like a ruminant, don't it?
  • Email spammers: Have you ever seen Event Horizon? Press pause when you see some of those flashing torture scenes from Hell and you'll see crazy stuff, like a guy stuffing his arm into some other guy's mouth, a dude ripping out his own eyeballs, some dude impaled on a stick, covered in maggots, etc. Well, this is the kind of treatment which should be applied to e-mail spammers.
  • Scientologists: Hang yourselves.
That's it for today. Tits or GTFO.