Monday, September 20, 2010

I saw what you did there, McDonald's guy!

Back from vacation! The highlights of which were a beautiful visit of Lac St-Jean, a bunch of animals, a nasty itch from the sting of a hairy caterpillar and one of those leg cramps that wake you up in the middle of the night, hoping death would arrive.

Every second morning, I go to McDonald's and get myself a coffee. I love their coffee; I got to taste it when they had that free coffee promotion a year ago, right before every morning became a god damn gulag where you had to wait 25 minutes for a free cup of coffee. Apparently, people like to wait 25 minutes for something worth $1.37.

But it's only recently that I realized something - the guy at McDonald's will always put the cover in a certain way so that coffee will leak from the ply into the cardboard cup, right onto your lap, when you take a sip. So don't forget to check under if the ply is in front of the spout - if it's the case, someone with a shitty job is trying to fuck you.

We have shitty jobs, therefore you must pay.

Here's a list of other things that are making me a little more insane with each passing moment:

  • People who add shitty music to their shitty Youtube videos: This just makes me want to pull out my front teeth. The Internet is already overstuffed with useless scripts, ads and other bandwidth-whoring crap, there really is no need for people to sprinkle some Nickelback on top of those boring Halo 3 replays of theirs.
  • Leeches and slugs: Every night, all the leeches and slugs of the world meet in an underground bunker and plan the destruction of every other living thing in the Universe. I learned that when I was a kid, when I put a leech in a fishtank and watched, horrified, as it killed them all, one by one. But it didn't just kill them - it crammed its face inside its agonizing, helpless victim's gill crack and sucked all the air and blood and life out of it. These meetings are also attended by hairy caterpillars and house centipedes.
  • Waiting in line: Everytime I get stuck waiting in line, I pull a Michael Douglas in Falling Down, minus the latino drive-bys and dead Nazis. Can't stand it. People cut in front with some kind of excuse (i.e. I am 6'5" tall). Fuck that - nothing is worth waiting in line.
  • People who don't wash their hands after taking shits: Unacceptable. There are some dudes at work who skip the hand-washing part of shitting, and everyone knows who they are because the Shithands List gets printed and passed around. The dirtiest piece of clothing we own is the belt buckle - it's the only article of clothing that comes into direct contact with solid, liquid and gaseous crap particles and isn't washed on a regular basis. Let's keep it at that and wash our fucking hands, shall we?
Next week: a list of things I love.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Bad Day? Try Bad Month... --- by arazi13

       I haven't written in a while, (of course I'm just assuming that enough people read this shit to notice) I have left most of the writing to my friend/colleague/partner in crime Max, AKA Tugboat Timmy.

Since my last post my 1 Month old laptop mysteriously stopped working and needed to be sent for repairs. (not sure what happened...)

Also, I had some health issues that made feel like this guy (except slightly less athletic... so slightly its barely worth mentioning...)

Both of these points made it a bit harder than normal to post.

Add all this to the fact that i just moved and had tons of issues with the sale of my place, not the least of which was the notary accidentally making the cheque out to me and my wife ROY (Joy). And no i will not name the bank that would not accept it, but let's say it rhymes with VD bank. Speaking of my wife ROY, a friend referred to me in a FB post recently as AVA and someone else's kid keeps calling my daughter Steve (Eve). I'm not sure what this means but in the course of a week or so all 3 of us have been gender miss-identified.

Therapy anyone??!?!

Dude looks like a fucking lady... Or does this lady look like a dude..?(I think this is a glass half empty argument.. and i never understand those...all i take away is that my glass NEEDS MORE DIET PEPSI)

Where wuz I?

Let’s move away from the rant and more to the hateful comparisons section to better illustrate how the month of august has felt to me.

 So there is this Representative from the VD bank, and he’s walking along and he hears someone calling out,

“Help help!” “Help, help!” out of the corner of his eye he sees me!

 I’m on my knees with my pants down around my ankles, my hands cuffed around a telephone pole. The rep from the VD bank comes over and says,

 “Oh man, what happened!?” 

 “Oh it was horrible, i got beat up by the tax man, my notary and the real estate agents! They beat me up! Took all my money and left me cuffed here with my pants around my ankles! But thank God you're here!”

 Then all of the sudden the VD banker unzips his fly and says,

 “This just isn’t your day now is it?!”

 i leave you with this thought.....

Captain Crunch is hillbilly Tempura.........