Saturday, July 31, 2010

Car Hate

I hate cars. Always hated 'em, always will. They are noisy, smelly and look like ass. I've already established that I live downtown, and the presence of cars in that environment makes it so damn noisy and smelly, it's like I'm living inside Joel Schumacher's womb.

Cars go against everything that is beautiful and nice in nature. Gas comes from oil, and oil comes from undeground detritus and half-decomposed crap and organisms that have been sitting there for millions of years; the next time you put gas into your car, imagine yourself trying to stuff a dead raccoon face-first into that little gas hole. It's essentially the same thing, but less entertaining.

In fact, every time you put gas into your car, you're defiling the Earth's biggest graveyard, thus making you a world-class grave robber. And that's pretty damn disgusting.

This is you when you fill up your tank.

Here is an alphabetical list of all things that suck about cars:

  • Car alarms are the lovechild of Satan, Baalzebub and Richard Simmons.
  • Car horns make me want choke kittens.
  • Road rage; complete pussies will turn into monsters when behind wheels, but will always flee or lock their doors when other drivers get out of their cars.
  • Smashing into a concrete wall at maximum speed will, although painlessly, most likely kill you.
  • The sound of revving engines makes my skin crawl.
  • They are killing our lovely planet and giving you lung cancer.
  • They are noisy.
  • They make you fat.
  • They smell bad.
  • When you pay for gas, most of the money goes directly into the pockets of a man named Ahmoud who takes baths in goat milk with his 12 hot wives while laughing and chomping on cigars.
  • You cannot drink and drive. I avoid any activity that prevents me from drinking.
Every year Montreal greets the F1 racing competition, and every year it's the same scene. It's a flurry of gold-diggers, business people, phonies, revving engines, booth babes and other douchebaggeries. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again, representing all that is wrong about modern society - mainly extreme materialism, chauvinism and fluorescent colors.

Humanity will not survive.

The only thing that sucks more than cars is boats, and the only cool car ever was Ecto-1, the Ghostbusters car. God bless Dan Aykroyd for that.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Random Hate Nuggets

It's late and I can't sleep. Here are some random things I have hated this week so far:

  • Toilet Paranoia: That's basically when you walk out of the men's (or women's) room and have this strange feeling like you got a piece of toilet paper attached to your shoe, or that you stink of excrement or downright have a stain of crap on your pants. You'll spend your time on the verge of panic, avoiding people, until the next time you shower and change clothes.
  • The Pube Fairy: At every important meeting, check out the table in the middle of the room. 99.9% chances are there's a big fat black pubic hair laying around in plain sight. Everyone saw it, yet nobody does anything about it. This is caused by the Pube Fairy, who flies around the office dropping pubes at the worst possible places, giggling to herself in absolute revelry.
  • Unskippable Bluray Previews: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is a great movie. I don't care what anyone says; if you don't agree, you are wrong. However, the only thing that sucks about it is that it's preceded by horrific, unskippable trailers and previews. It took me 15 minutes before I was able to start the movie, at which point I was so pissed I almost donated all my RRSP's to Al Qaeda.
  • Slow Pedestrians: Walking on a sidewalk is like driving. If you're going somewhere, get in the fast lane. If you are retarded, shopping, or both, get in the slowpoke lane and get out of my way so I can get to work.
  • No, I will not share my Bejeweled Blitz coins, even though I have a ton I am not using.
  • Justin Bieber
VoilĂ !

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Today is an important day.

Today, July 25th 2010, is a very important day. I declare today to be the first international "Don't Give a Shit about You Damn Attention Whore" day.

Let me explain. I live in downtown Montreal, and it is a NOISY place to live in. All day long, I am literally peppered with random noises, sights, smells and textures. Let me give you a list of the crap I've had to put up with in the last 7 days:

  • About 150 decibels worth of car horns, police sirens and jackhammers
  • A gas leak
  • A loud, red-headed, bearded dwarf
  • A man spinning on his head
  • A one-armed beggar singing Elvis hits
  • A trumpeter
  • The sight of at least three (3) puddles of vomit
  • A latino riot
  • A stab victim (Ok, that was a year ago, but still... brutal)
Your first natural reflex when seeing either of these things would be to stare longingly while your brain fully grasps its alien, mind-shattering concept. But today is international "Don't Give a Shit about You Damn Attention Whore" day, so there is no need for it.

If you see anything that exceeds the boundaries of what you should have to put up with, take a deep breath, keep your current heading and just ignore it. Today, you are free of any torment caused by an attention whore; enjoy it, because it's a once-a-year opportunity.

Here is a list of other things worth ignoring:

  • Puppeteers
  • Jugglers
  • Tap dancers
  • People who sing
  • People on stilts
  • People climbing ladders
  • Kids throwing fits
  • Anyone younger than 21 voicing an opinion
  • Noisy yellow sportscars
  • People walking around with giant heads made of papier machĂ©
  • People pretending to be drunk and/or crazy
  • Cosplayers and furries
More car-related hate in my next post.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Faggoty consumer product names

Hello all. Frosty here. First post. Here goes:

When is the last time you drank orange soda? Think for a bit; it may have been decades. You know why? Because no mass-consumer product company can put "orange" on a soda can anymore. They'll write some faggoty thing like "citrus valley", or "clementine nectar", or "sweet tangelo melody". Whatever happened to normal product flavors like "onions", "honey" or "anti-shit smell"?

The next time you go to the supermarket, check out the faggoty names they have for products now:

  • Sea Salt & Balsamic Vinegar instead of Salt'n Vinegar potato chips
  • Spicy Sweet Chili instead of Chili Doritos chips
  • Clear Springs, or Clean Linen Glade instead of just... it's fucking Glade, we know it smells good (at least better than excrement)
  • Riptide Rush instead of... some kind of purple chemical-flavored Gatorade
  • Chocolate Chip Cookie Doe instead of holy shit, that sounds awesome
  • Vanilla Tango... Jesus Christ guys, do you have to defile vanilla, too?
  • I think I'm gonna go buy a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookie Doe Haagen Dazs ice cream
  • et cetera
These are dark, brooding days, people. These are days where one cannot go to Subway and get a sandwich without the ignominous threat of "sweet red onions". FUCK YOU! Nobody touches my onions. We are being overcharged for regular products just because they have faggoty, fancy-schmancy names that make mothers wet their pants with the fake excitement of adding some exoticism to their sad, depressing lives while rolling down the aisles at IGA.

People that double-click hyperlinks should be shot.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Im sorry babe... there is someone else.... and she lets me do whatever i want....

So my wife has started calling my new remote my mistress. She calls it a slut too and frequently asks if i want to be alone with her. (my answer is usually which she replies "you are an idiot") Who would not want to be alone with this beauty!?! no more 5 remotes that take a up a seat on the couch! ONE REMOTE TO RULE THEM ALL!!!! (it actually said that on the screen the first time i booted it up... how freaking awesome is that?) I heard they are working on a BJ function for the next model....(one can only dream.....)

It's Scary how good these are.....

I was with my buddy Max at work and i went with him on his 3pm walk around the Place Ville Marie in search for snacks when we came across these bad boys.

"Cheeseburger Flavor?" I asked. "They have to be full of shit!"

But of course there was no way either of us would be able to leave the store without buying this bag. We got back to the office and popped it open. I have to say that these are THE MOST ACCURATE TASTING chip i have ever sampled!! Every bite tastes like you are chomping down on a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese! (I am in now way saying that this is good or bad, but we were fucking shocked at how much they tasted like a cheeseburger!)

Plus the Doritos Marketing is just awesome here, LATE NIGHT, (all nighter chips) They are totally right, these chips would be absolutely perfect to eat at 1am when you get a rumbly in your tummy.

Funny meter low on this one... just loved the awesomeness of the chips....

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I can actually see how much you smell.

Ah Montreal in the summer time... its so beautiful.... The Jazz Fest! F1! The Comedy FESTIVAL! The city is so green (trees and grass) you can hardly remember the harsh winter from just a few months ago..... Its breathtaking!

Well its also breathtaking for another reason if you take the Metro. This week it has been 32-33 Celsius (44 ish with the humidity) Already hot and disgusting on the street level, when you go down to the metro level (subway) its even hotter and more disgusting. In one of my trips this week i must have sampled 15 different varieties of body odor. It was BREATHTAKING. The smells in the metro are invading my other senses. I Can see and taste some of these smells... Please god let it end there. Thus endith my first RANT. METRO FAIL.

There will be many other rants regarding the metro. (although im soon to be moving to the west island where i will be taking the air conditioned train in every morning, but im sure ill find something wrong with that in no time.)