Friday, August 20, 2010

George Lucas needs a fist enema.

Imagine if Leonardo Da Vinci, moments before painting the Mona Lisa, had said "Fuck it, I'm gonna start the first ever boy band!", robbing mankind of one of its most inspiring pieces of art and screwing history forever in the process. It would also pretty much have spoiled everything he had ever created up to that point.

Well, that is precisely what George Lucas did in 1983 when he decided to include fucking teddybears in a battle of galactic proportions. He chose selling out over artistic integrity, and that made little Max very angry.

The Empire Strikes Back is my favorite sci-fi movie ever*, but all the suckage that followed almost cancels that. Here is a handy list of things that suck about the Star Wars franchise:

  • Ewoks.
  • Jar Jar Binks.
  • All that Special Edition bullshit where Greedo shoots first and every scene is littered with noisy Hasbro merchandise. (it's kinda like if Da Vinci had taken the Mona Lisa and went ahead to change its looks for something extremely stupid yet modern... think Max Headroom, who incidentally looks like a coked-up dealer)
Holy fuck, really?
  • Hayden Christensen and Jake Lloyd. (Why?)
  • All that Clone Wars nonsense. Nobody gives a crap. (Although, what Genndy Tartakovsky did with it was pretty damn mind-blowing - look it up)
  • George finally decides he wants to release his crapfest on Bluray, but it'll be Special Edition only. I already own the old trilogy TWICE on VHS and once on DVD. I really am a huge moron.
  • Fact: You can't shoot an entire trilogy in front of green screens; the actors will become depressed, even suicidal.
  • etc.
The way George Lucas defiled his creation makes me wanna go ski on a pair of elephant tusks while eating beluga kebabs. Here is a bunch of other things that ire me today:

  • Garbage trucks: The other day, a garbage truck drove by. Like all other garbage trucks, it was preceded by 100 meters of that foul garbage truck smell, and followed by another 250 meters of it. But then, it turned the corner a bit too fast and dropped a few gallons of that vile, sod-ridden garbage juice. This shit needs to stop at some point so we can become a bona fide, so-called civilization.
  • Cucumber makis: Who the hell invented these? They're more insulting than that homeless guy at the park who took a leak on me and stole my wallet while I was asleep.
I'd rather get slapped in the balls.

  • Mini-Wheats gunk: Very tasty cereal, but try eating an entire bowl of that weird hay-like stuff at the bottom of each box. Makes you feel like a ruminant, don't it?
  • Email spammers: Have you ever seen Event Horizon? Press pause when you see some of those flashing torture scenes from Hell and you'll see crazy stuff, like a guy stuffing his arm into some other guy's mouth, a dude ripping out his own eyeballs, some dude impaled on a stick, covered in maggots, etc. Well, this is the kind of treatment which should be applied to e-mail spammers.
  • Scientologists: Hang yourselves.
That's it for today. Tits or GTFO.


  1. Tu capotes MAx lol.

    "ski on a pair of elephant tusks while eating beluga kebabs" Serieusement ?? Y a des cliniques pour ça !!

  2. Les rouleaux aux concombres (kappa maki) c'est courant au Japon aussi, c'est pas une invention de merde des "magasins de sushi" de merde de Montréal. le point c'est que ça se concerve. En fait le sushi à la base c'est le ris assaisoné, le poisson c'est optionnel.

  3. Loved your post, you kill me max!!! i need to get angry about something so i can post more!