Friday, November 12, 2010

Hey Montreal - Learn How to Park Your Damn Car!

     Why the fuck can’t people park their cars anymore? Did some magical fucking meteorite pass by the earth and blast people with gamma radiation that somehow removed our ability to correctly park our automobiles? Is there some sort of corollary with people’s inability to place their cars in a desired space and the fact that modern culture has robbed us of depth perception? Or maybe it could be because everybody, everywhere, always has a huge emergency going on and needs to vacate their method of transportation, ASAP.

No my friends (and I say this not particularly liking any of you), the answer is much, much simpler. People, are fucking douchebags.
Regardless of where you are, where you go, what you see, what you do, you are almost guarandamnteed to see some fucker failing at parking his or her car. You have the moron parked 3 feet away from the curb, the idiot parked right up the ass of the car in front of him for no good reason, the asshole taking up 2 spots in a crowded mall parking lot, or the twat who parks in front of (and in some rare cases of super-douchery, inside) your fucking driveway.

Is this strictly a Montreal phenomenon? I highly doubt it. However, Montreal, for whatever reason, seems to have a much higher douchebag to non-douchebag ratio than most other places (as evidenced by the bikers that bitch out cars after the biker neglects to stop at a light, swerves across two lanes, randomly stopping in the middle of thestreet to talk on their iPhone, and almost getting hit by some horrible motorist who has the audacity to drive straight down the street) I think we probably have a higher per-capita amount of people that simply cannot park their fucking cars!

Okay, I’m not about to go scouring the Montreal area for pictures of this shit, mostly because it’s cold and I’m incredibly fucking lazy, but because I love you all (I really fucking don’t), I went through the time and effort of searching online for this shit. I am so amazing.

What the cock is this??? Is your SUV trying to fuck the other one? If not, it really shouldn’t be on top of the bitch.

Let’s see… We have a driveway right about here… and a car right about here… Yup, looks good to me!

Hmm... The parking lot is crowded, but my car is awesome. People will totally understand that I need multiple spaces. I’m the center of the fucking universe, after all.

After the Duke boys lost Roscoe, they decided to stop for a bite to eat. Turns out they can drive like pros, but park like douches.


  After trying to scour the interwebz for the ultimate picture of supreme douchebag parking, this is pretty much it. A fucking Audi (the douchiest of all cars): check. In handicapped parking: check. Taking up 4 handicapped spots: check. Holy fucking shit, Batman, we have ourselves a winner!

And here we have a fucking brilliant idea some schmuck on the the internet came up with, and I am totally fucking stealing. A nice passive-aggressive way of telling fucktards that they’re fucktards. I’m gonna get a batch of these bad boys printed up. If you happen to find one on your windshield, then you know what to do… Move to Toronto, douchebag.

            At any rate, you get the idea. Parking isn’t all that complicated. It really isn’t. You see those lines? Go in them. There. You’re done. See that curb? Park beside it. Incredible, I know. See that driveway? Don’t park in front of it. Shocking! Why this is hard for so many people I have no idea. But it apparently is. So kids, listen to me closely: Don’t. Park. Like. A. Douchebag. Because at this very moment, I am training a small army of bonobo chimps to hunt down people that can’t park, and then sodomize the fucking shit out of them, and follow that up with a good skull fucking. They’ll find you. And they are randy little monkeys...


  1. hah... and for the record, it is almost entirely limited to Montreal.

    ; ) ...nah... but, the truth is, NYCers RARELY do the shit you're describing. surprised? I'm not - we ARE at the center of the universe and serve as shining examples of how people should drive and park: get out of my way and let me through, bitch.

    and that's all she wrote...

  2. You should totally consider these bumper stickers instead. They're low-tac so they come off easily but they're sure to give someone a heart attack.

  3. you want to see bad parking jobs go hang around Westmount! I've seen so many people scrape the side of cars trying to parallel park I've lost track! Not to mention the amount of people who back up down one-way streets because they turned down the wrong street. Oddly enough the people who side swipe cars and do stupid shit like back up down one way streets all drive expensive cars (a taxi driver and I discussed this one day while watching some idiot back up down sherbrooke going the wrong way because he missed his turn off).. I don't drive for a reason, If I were to drive in Monteal i'd go crazy..toooo many stupid people on the roads here.