Car Hate

I hate cars. Always hated 'em, always will. They are noisy, smelly and look like ass. I've already established that I live downtown, and the presence of cars in that environment makes it so damn noisy and smelly, it's like I'm living inside Joel Schumacher's womb.

Cars go against everything that is beautiful and nice in nature. Gas comes from oil, and oil comes from undeground detritus and half-decomposed crap and organisms that have been sitting there for millions of years; the next time you put gas into your car, imagine yourself trying to stuff a dead raccoon face-first into that little gas hole. It's essentially the same thing, but less entertaining.

In fact, every time you put gas into your car, you're defiling the Earth's biggest graveyard, thus making you a world-class grave robber. And that's pretty damn disgusting.

This is you when you fill up your tank.

Here is an alphabetical list of all things that suck about cars:

• Car alarms are the lovechild of Satan, Baalzebub and Richard Simmons.
  
• Car horns make me want choke kittens.
  
• Road rage; complete pussies will turn into monsters when behind wheels, but will always flee or lock their doors when other drivers get out of their cars.
  
• Smashing into a concrete wall at maximum speed will, although painlessly, most likely kill you.
  
• The sound of revving engines makes my skin crawl.
  
• They are killing our lovely planet and giving you lung cancer.
  
• They are noisy.
  
• They make you fat.
  
• They smell bad.
• When you pay for gas, most of the money goes directly into the pockets of a man named Ahmoud who takes baths in goat milk with his 12 hot wives while laughing and chomping on cigars.
  
• You cannot drink and drive. I avoid any activity that prevents me from drinking.
  

Every year Montreal greets the F1 racing competition, and every year it's the same scene. It's a flurry of gold-diggers, business people, phonies, revving engines, booth babes and other douchebaggeries. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again, representing all that is wrong about modern society - mainly extreme materialism, chauvinism and fluorescent colors.

Humanity will not survive.

The only thing that sucks more than cars is boats, and the only cool car ever was Ecto-1, the Ghostbusters car. God bless Dan Aykroyd for that.