Monday, July 19, 2010

Faggoty consumer product names

Hello all. Frosty here. First post. Here goes:

When is the last time you drank orange soda? Think for a bit; it may have been decades. You know why? Because no mass-consumer product company can put "orange" on a soda can anymore. They'll write some faggoty thing like "citrus valley", or "clementine nectar", or "sweet tangelo melody". Whatever happened to normal product flavors like "onions", "honey" or "anti-shit smell"?

The next time you go to the supermarket, check out the faggoty names they have for products now:

  • Sea Salt & Balsamic Vinegar instead of Salt'n Vinegar potato chips
  • Spicy Sweet Chili instead of Chili Doritos chips
  • Clear Springs, or Clean Linen Glade instead of just... it's fucking Glade, we know it smells good (at least better than excrement)
  • Riptide Rush instead of... some kind of purple chemical-flavored Gatorade
  • Chocolate Chip Cookie Doe instead of holy shit, that sounds awesome
  • Vanilla Tango... Jesus Christ guys, do you have to defile vanilla, too?
  • I think I'm gonna go buy a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookie Doe Haagen Dazs ice cream
  • et cetera
These are dark, brooding days, people. These are days where one cannot go to Subway and get a sandwich without the ignominous threat of "sweet red onions". FUCK YOU! Nobody touches my onions. We are being overcharged for regular products just because they have faggoty, fancy-schmancy names that make mothers wet their pants with the fake excitement of adding some exoticism to their sad, depressing lives while rolling down the aisles at IGA.

People that double-click hyperlinks should be shot.