I'm gonna start this one off by listing a couple hateful tweets of mine. You can follow me at @frost914 for a daily dose of inane rants; I also use it therapeutically. If I'm not discharging hate, I'm linking some boring sci-fi crap.
- Oct. 23 - "I think I got a sexually-transmitted cold."
- Oct. 21 - "Dude at Tim Horton's gave me $3.99 in change. I hope he fucking dies in a trainwreck."
- Oct. 19 - "Switched to Chrome. Fuck Firefox. Fuck it."
- Oct. 15 - "Everytime Dave Grohl sings an acoustic ballad, God kills a kitten; everytime the Foo Fighters kill my ears with power chords, God saves one."
- Oct. 12 - "Paper towels or hand dryer... do I feel like ravaging a rain forest or a Canadian river?"
And here's the usual list of stuff that suck.
- Sharts and Barches: I had salmonella once, and it was some of the most memorable days of my life. They consisted of spinning around on the toilet bowl and waking up in the middle of the night while soiling myself - sharting myself silly. Salmonella is like some kind of sick olympic sport. And then there's the times when you just ate a large burrito platter, then let loose a little belch while bending over to tie your shoe, which is usually followed by a little mouthful of surprise vomit - you just barf-belched, or barched for short.
- Sweatpants: Nothing says "I fail at life" like a pair of ash-grey sweatpants. At least, switch to trackpants, which basically say "I fail at life, but at least I made it as a successful cocaine dealer". There are however some exceptions, such as this:
The only acceptable use of sweatpants.
- Big-ass umbrellas: Like the great Lewis Black once said, if a dude goes to college for 16 years, he becomes a doctor and gains the amazing right (and duty) to shove a thermometer up my ass. The dude studied for 16 years - he EARNED it. However, just because you bought a huge sunshade-style umbrella at Walmart doesn't mean you're allowed to shove its rusty tips into my eyeballs while walking down the street. Fuckin' watch it already, people. Thanks to Olivier at work for pointing this out; I've been having these fits of rage when walking around the street in the rain and couldn't quite put my finger on why.
- Homeless guys who defecate in public - If I had lost the musical chair game of life, ended up living in the gutter, begging for change, and was afflicted with severe schizophrenia and sociopathy, I probably would also, on a daily basis, squat in front of the Sherbrooke metro station entrance and let loose a pile of crap for the dual purpose of effectively blocking it and revolting people out, disturbing the delicate fabric of society in the process. But I'm thinking there are probably easier ways to do that.
Finally, I promised a few weeks ago that I'd list some of the things I like, for a change. Here it is:
- Sleeping bags: They're soft, comfy, cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It's like some kind of magic - rainbows, unicorns and sleeping bags. They also smell good. I love sleeping bags.
- Sloppy kiss scenes in movies: Look at the kiss scenes in Twelve Monkeys, Pulp Fiction, Punch Drunk Love... they just make me all fuzzy inside.
- Waterworld: Yeah, so what? It's Mad Max on water, with shitty extras. Was it really that bad? Ok maybe, but uh... Dennis Hopper was ok! And uh... it actually made money. That's all I got.
That's it - print it!