Monday, August 30, 2010

Give someone the Evil Eye today!

This blog is mostly about displacement, which basically means exteriorizing violence, physical or otherwise, unto unsuspecting, innocent, sometimes even inanimate objects. This violence arises from everyday frustrations stemming from lack of control over mundane, unpleasant situations.

This being said, let us move forward into a list of things that suck.

  • Website age-checkers: I haven't watched a movie or videogame trailer in months. The reason being that most websites are now plagued with this ignominous age-checker and how I promptly close the window before running outside and thrashing a parcometer. To fill this age-checker is such a useless gesture - I'm sure most kids below 18 lie about their age, watch the content, and then flog themselves into bloody agony. And why the hell don't porn websites have them? This reeks of bureaucratic legislative shenanigans.
  • Infomercials: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. For instance, if everyone wore bright pink spandex everyday, soon enough our alien overlords would neutron-bomb this place out of sheer embarrassment - experiment over, time to start anew. Infomercials have been the blight of television since time immemorial, only because some human beings with no dignity sink to the level of producing them, just because they can. These people should instead do something helpful, like killing mosquitoes. You know, there's a reason why Billy Mays is dead and the Slap Chop guy is in prison: it's God's work.
It's either that or spray-on hair.
  • Guys in suits: Walk around a bit downtown and eventually you'll come across three loud-speaking guys in suits. It's always the same: they're three guys, they smoke cigars, they talk about which hotel they slept in, they walk super slow and they take the entire width of the sidewalk, like they own it. If you run into them, they will grunt and give you the evil eye, like you're some kind of degenerate city-dwelling low-life. I usually walk right up to or past them and offer the best graphic display of nose-picking I can muster.
  • Zombie commercials: I call them zombie commercials because, like zombies, no matter how hard you try - shotguns, chainsaws, Dennis Miller jokes - these commercials just won't stop airing. A few examples are that god damned Mini-Wheats singing bastard, those Charmin' bears who spend all day wiping their asses against trees, and all Ford commercials that show happy families and invent words like "econergetic" or "cashtration".
  • The Quebec government: This week, I had to send the provincial government an income tax cheque of $9.71. This made me so angry, I won't even bother putting an accent on the word "Quebec" even though I'm a french guy.
  • Nicolas Cage: The guy is charming and is pretty handsome, yes. If I was a bit gayer, I'd go as far as saying I'd gladly shag the guy, given the opportunity. But why did he always end up sleeping with all the insanely hottest women in all Hollywood in literally all his movies in the 90's? I mean, was he really that hot?
So many things my little mind does not understand.

  • Super long game names: If you're gonna invest thousands of man-hours, several millions of dollars and months of development, at least have the decency to limit the length of your games to three concise words. The following games should be banned for the stupidity of their names:
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King
SpongeBob SquarePants Featuring Nicktoons - Globs of Doom
Tetris The Grand Master 4: The Master of Round
Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie
The Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle Earth II: Rise of the Witch King

That's it for today, as I'm about to sell everything I own and go live with the Pygmies.

1 comment:

  1. Guys in suit sometimes can act like a bunch of wankers!