Monday, January 10, 2011

Lebanese Gut Rot

There is a place in downtown Montreal, right under the Simons, called Torino Chicken. They make awesome chicken, sorta Lebanese-style, with hummus and garlic sauce and everything. Pretty cheap, too - for like 9$ you get more chicken than humanly plausible.


FUCKING YES!

There is one drawback, however. The stuff is delicious but will give you the shits on a biblical scale! It's a good thing I live close, so I don't get to use the public crappers. I've decided that the temporary, debilitating intestinal illness is due to either/or/all of the following:

  • Garlic sauce: The stuff is so potent that it makes my body revolt in repeating, agonizing, rectum-contracting spasms for at least 25 minutes.
  • Flash salmonella: Not as vile as regular salmonella, flash salmonella acts quickly and viciously, rendering me into a useless heap of convulsing flesh.
  • Food poisoning: Eating downtown is like buying an air conditioner at 40 degree weather: the supplies are short and the demand is through the roof. Therefore, restaurants will sometimes use old batches of slightly-rancid foods. We are but a herd of sheep and shove the stuff in our faces nonetheless, and suffer the consequences.
  • Over-excitement: The stuff is so delicious, I just eat too fast, causing my stomach to rebel.
  • Mediterranean marinating spices: Our genetically inferior, frail north-american bodies are no match for the strong European, North-African and Middle-Eastern men and women who ingest, on a daily basis, the gastronomical equivalent of enriched plutonium.
  • Too fat: I can't take it; my liver just says "fuck you" and forces everything out the other end.
Don't get me wrong here - although going to Torino's means a 36.5% chance (I've just compiled the stats) of total intestinal revolt, it is TOTALLY WORTH IT.

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