You shat in front of those subway doors on purpose, you vile fucker.

I'm gonna start this one off by listing a couple hateful tweets of mine. You can follow me at @frost914 for a daily dose of inane rants; I also use it therapeutically. If I'm not discharging hate, I'm linking some boring sci-fi crap.

• Oct. 23 - "I think I got a sexually-transmitted cold."
• Oct. 21 - "Dude at Tim Horton's gave me $3.99 in change. I hope he fucking dies in a trainwreck."
• Oct. 19 - "Switched to Chrome. Fuck Firefox. Fuck it."
• Oct. 15 - "Everytime Dave Grohl sings an acoustic ballad, God kills a kitten; everytime the Foo Fighters kill my ears with power chords, God saves one."
• Oct. 12 - "Paper towels or hand dryer... do I feel like ravaging a rain forest or a Canadian river?"
• etc.

And here's the usual list of stuff that suck.

• Sharts and Barches: I had salmonella once, and it was some of the most memorable days of my life. They consisted of spinning around on the toilet bowl and waking up in the middle of the night while soiling myself - sharting myself silly. Salmonella is like some kind of sick olympic sport. And then there's the times when you just ate a large burrito platter, then let loose a little belch while bending over to tie your shoe, which is usually followed by a little mouthful of surprise vomit - you just barf-belched, or barched for short.

• Sweatpants: Nothing says "I fail at life" like a pair of ash-grey sweatpants. At least, switch to trackpants, which basically say "I fail at life, but at least I made it as a successful cocaine dealer". There are however some exceptions, such as this:

The only acceptable use of sweatpants.

• Big-ass umbrellas: Like the great Lewis Black once said, if a dude goes to college for 16 years, he becomes a doctor and gains the amazing right (and duty) to shove a thermometer up my ass. The dude studied for 16 years - he EARNED it. However, just because you bought a huge sunshade-style umbrella at Walmart doesn't mean you're allowed to shove its rusty tips into my eyeballs while walking down the street. Fuckin' watch it already, people. Thanks to Olivier at work for pointing this out; I've been having these fits of rage when walking around the street in the rain and couldn't quite put my finger on why.

• Homeless guys who defecate in public - If I had lost the musical chair game of life, ended up living in the gutter, begging for change, and was afflicted with severe schizophrenia and sociopathy, I probably would also, on a daily basis, squat in front of the Sherbrooke metro station entrance and let loose a pile of crap for the dual purpose of effectively blocking it and revolting people out, disturbing the delicate fabric of society in the process. But I'm thinking there are probably easier ways to do that.

Finally, I promised a few weeks ago that I'd list some of the things I like, for a change. Here it is:

• Sleeping bags: They're soft, comfy, cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It's like some kind of magic - rainbows, unicorns and sleeping bags. They also smell good. I love sleeping bags.

• Sloppy kiss scenes in movies: Look at the kiss scenes in Twelve Monkeys, Pulp Fiction, Punch Drunk Love... they just make me all fuzzy inside.

Awwwww!

• Waterworld: Yeah, so what? It's Mad Max on water, with shitty extras. Was it really that bad? Ok maybe, but uh... Dennis Hopper was ok! And uh... it actually made money. That's all I got.

That's it - print it!

Randomness

What do you get when you mix an onion....

With a Donkey

Well ordinarily you get an onion with donkey ears...but once and a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

Al Pacino is always pissed in a suit.

Just to let you guys know that I haven't forgotten about this blog and how therapeutic it can be for me. I'm preparing an avalanche of hate which should be unleashed in the coming weeks.

I the meantime, have a look at this collection of pictures of pissed Al Pacinos in suits.

I saw what you did there, McDonald's guy!

Back from vacation! The highlights of which were a beautiful visit of Lac St-Jean, a bunch of animals, a nasty itch from the sting of a hairy caterpillar and one of those leg cramps that wake you up in the middle of the night, hoping death would arrive.

Every second morning, I go to McDonald's and get myself a coffee. I love their coffee; I got to taste it when they had that free coffee promotion a year ago, right before every morning became a god damn gulag where you had to wait 25 minutes for a free cup of coffee. Apparently, people like to wait 25 minutes for something worth $1.37.

But it's only recently that I realized something - the guy at McDonald's will always put the cover in a certain way so that coffee will leak from the ply into the cardboard cup, right onto your lap, when you take a sip. So don't forget to check under if the ply is in front of the spout - if it's the case, someone with a shitty job is trying to fuck you.

We have shitty jobs, therefore you must pay.

Here's a list of other things that are making me a little more insane with each passing moment:

• People who add shitty music to their shitty Youtube videos: This just makes me want to pull out my front teeth. The Internet is already overstuffed with useless scripts, ads and other bandwidth-whoring crap, there really is no need for people to sprinkle some Nickelback on top of those boring Halo 3 replays of theirs.
• Leeches and slugs: Every night, all the leeches and slugs of the world meet in an underground bunker and plan the destruction of every other living thing in the Universe. I learned that when I was a kid, when I put a leech in a fishtank and watched, horrified, as it killed them all, one by one. But it didn't just kill them - it crammed its face inside its agonizing, helpless victim's gill crack and sucked all the air and blood and life out of it. These meetings are also attended by hairy caterpillars and house centipedes.

Hello!

• Waiting in line: Everytime I get stuck waiting in line, I pull a Michael Douglas in Falling Down, minus the latino drive-bys and dead Nazis. Can't stand it. People cut in front with some kind of excuse (i.e. I am 6'5" tall). Fuck that - nothing is worth waiting in line.
  
• People who don't wash their hands after taking shits: Unacceptable. There are some dudes at work who skip the hand-washing part of shitting, and everyone knows who they are because the Shithands List gets printed and passed around. The dirtiest piece of clothing we own is the belt buckle - it's the only article of clothing that comes into direct contact with solid, liquid and gaseous crap particles and isn't washed on a regular basis. Let's keep it at that and wash our fucking hands, shall we?

Next week: a list of things I love.

Bad Day? Try Bad Month... --- by arazi13

       I haven't written in a while, (of course I'm just assuming that enough people read this shit to notice) I have left most of the writing to my friend/colleague/partner in crime Max, AKA Tugboat Timmy.

Since my last post my 1 Month old laptop mysteriously stopped working and needed to be sent for repairs. (not sure what happened...)

Also, I had some health issues that made feel like this guy (except slightly less athletic... so slightly its barely worth mentioning...)

Both of these points made it a bit harder than normal to post.

Add all this to the fact that i just moved and had tons of issues with the sale of my place, not the least of which was the notary accidentally making the cheque out to me and my wife ROY (Joy). And no i will not name the bank that would not accept it, but let's say it rhymes with VD bank. Speaking of my wife ROY, a friend referred to me in a FB post recently as AVA and someone else's kid keeps calling my daughter Steve (Eve). I'm not sure what this means but in the course of a week or so all 3 of us have been gender miss-identified.

Therapy anyone??!?!

Dude looks like a fucking lady... Or does this lady look like a dude..?(I think this is a glass half empty argument.. and i never understand those...all i take away is that my glass NEEDS MORE DIET PEPSI)

Where wuz I?

Let’s move away from the rant and more to the hateful comparisons section to better illustrate how the month of august has felt to me.

 So there is this Representative from the VD bank, and he’s walking along and he hears someone calling out,

“Help help!” “Help, help!” out of the corner of his eye he sees me!

 I’m on my knees with my pants down around my ankles, my hands cuffed around a telephone pole. The rep from the VD bank comes over and says,

 “Oh man, what happened!?” 

 “Oh it was horrible, i got beat up by the tax man, my notary and the real estate agents! They beat me up! Took all my money and left me cuffed here with my pants around my ankles! But thank God you're here!”

 Then all of the sudden the VD banker unzips his fly and says,

 “This just isn’t your day now is it?!”

 i leave you with this thought.....

Captain Crunch is hillbilly Tempura.........

Give someone the Evil Eye today!

This blog is mostly about displacement, which basically means exteriorizing violence, physical or otherwise, unto unsuspecting, innocent, sometimes even inanimate objects. This violence arises from everyday frustrations stemming from lack of control over mundane, unpleasant situations.

This being said, let us move forward into a list of things that suck.

• Website age-checkers: I haven't watched a movie or videogame trailer in months. The reason being that most websites are now plagued with this ignominous age-checker and how I promptly close the window before running outside and thrashing a parcometer. To fill this age-checker is such a useless gesture - I'm sure most kids below 18 lie about their age, watch the content, and then flog themselves into bloody agony. And why the hell don't porn websites have them? This reeks of bureaucratic legislative shenanigans.
  
• Infomercials: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. For instance, if everyone wore bright pink spandex everyday, soon enough our alien overlords would neutron-bomb this place out of sheer embarrassment - experiment over, time to start anew. Infomercials have been the blight of television since time immemorial, only because some human beings with no dignity sink to the level of producing them, just because they can. These people should instead do something helpful, like killing mosquitoes. You know, there's a reason why Billy Mays is dead and the Slap Chop guy is in prison: it's God's work.

It's either that or spray-on hair.

• Guys in suits: Walk around a bit downtown and eventually you'll come across three loud-speaking guys in suits. It's always the same: they're three guys, they smoke cigars, they talk about which hotel they slept in, they walk super slow and they take the entire width of the sidewalk, like they own it. If you run into them, they will grunt and give you the evil eye, like you're some kind of degenerate city-dwelling low-life. I usually walk right up to or past them and offer the best graphic display of nose-picking I can muster.
• Zombie commercials: I call them zombie commercials because, like zombies, no matter how hard you try - shotguns, chainsaws, Dennis Miller jokes - these commercials just won't stop airing. A few examples are that god damned Mini-Wheats singing bastard, those Charmin' bears who spend all day wiping their asses against trees, and all Ford commercials that show happy families and invent words like "econergetic" or "cashtration".
• The Quebec government: This week, I had to send the provincial government an income tax cheque of $9.71. This made me so angry, I won't even bother putting an accent on the word "Quebec" even though I'm a french guy.
• Nicolas Cage: The guy is charming and is pretty handsome, yes. If I was a bit gayer, I'd go as far as saying I'd gladly shag the guy, given the opportunity. But why did he always end up sleeping with all the insanely hottest women in all Hollywood in literally all his movies in the 90's? I mean, was he really that hot?
  

So many things my little mind does not understand.

• Super long game names: If you're gonna invest thousands of man-hours, several millions of dollars and months of development, at least have the decency to limit the length of your games to three concise words. The following games should be banned for the stupidity of their names:

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King
SpongeBob SquarePants Featuring Nicktoons - Globs of Doom
Tetris The Grand Master 4: The Master of Round
Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie
The Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle Earth II: Rise of the Witch King

That's it for today, as I'm about to sell everything I own and go live with the Pygmies.

George Lucas needs a fist enema.

Imagine if Leonardo Da Vinci, moments before painting the Mona Lisa, had said "Fuck it, I'm gonna start the first ever boy band!", robbing mankind of one of its most inspiring pieces of art and screwing history forever in the process. It would also pretty much have spoiled everything he had ever created up to that point.

Well, that is precisely what George Lucas did in 1983 when he decided to include fucking teddybears in a battle of galactic proportions. He chose selling out over artistic integrity, and that made little Max very angry.

The Empire Strikes Back is my favorite sci-fi movie ever*, but all the suckage that followed almost cancels that. Here is a handy list of things that suck about the Star Wars franchise:

• Ewoks.
• Jar Jar Binks.
• All that Special Edition bullshit where Greedo shoots first and every scene is littered with noisy Hasbro merchandise. (it's kinda like if Da Vinci had taken the Mona Lisa and went ahead to change its looks for something extremely stupid yet modern... think Max Headroom, who incidentally looks like a coked-up dealer)

Holy fuck, really?

• Hayden Christensen and Jake Lloyd. (Why?)
  
• All that Clone Wars nonsense. Nobody gives a crap. (Although, what Genndy Tartakovsky did with it was pretty damn mind-blowing - look it up)
  
• George finally decides he wants to release his crapfest on Bluray, but it'll be Special Edition only. I already own the old trilogy TWICE on VHS and once on DVD. I really am a huge moron.
• Fact: You can't shoot an entire trilogy in front of green screens; the actors will become depressed, even suicidal.
• etc.

The way George Lucas defiled his creation makes me wanna go ski on a pair of elephant tusks while eating beluga kebabs. Here is a bunch of other things that ire me today:

• Garbage trucks: The other day, a garbage truck drove by. Like all other garbage trucks, it was preceded by 100 meters of that foul garbage truck smell, and followed by another 250 meters of it. But then, it turned the corner a bit too fast and dropped a few gallons of that vile, sod-ridden garbage juice. This shit needs to stop at some point so we can become a bona fide, so-called civilization.
• Cucumber makis: Who the hell invented these? They're more insulting than that homeless guy at the park who took a leak on me and stole my wallet while I was asleep.
  

I'd rather get slapped in the balls.

• Mini-Wheats gunk: Very tasty cereal, but try eating an entire bowl of that weird hay-like stuff at the bottom of each box. Makes you feel like a ruminant, don't it?
• Email spammers: Have you ever seen Event Horizon? Press pause when you see some of those flashing torture scenes from Hell and you'll see crazy stuff, like a guy stuffing his arm into some other guy's mouth, a dude ripping out his own eyeballs, some dude impaled on a stick, covered in maggots, etc. Well, this is the kind of treatment which should be applied to e-mail spammers.
  
• Scientologists: Hang yourselves.

That's it for today. Tits or GTFO.

Car Hate

I hate cars. Always hated 'em, always will. They are noisy, smelly and look like ass. I've already established that I live downtown, and the presence of cars in that environment makes it so damn noisy and smelly, it's like I'm living inside Joel Schumacher's womb.

Cars go against everything that is beautiful and nice in nature. Gas comes from oil, and oil comes from undeground detritus and half-decomposed crap and organisms that have been sitting there for millions of years; the next time you put gas into your car, imagine yourself trying to stuff a dead raccoon face-first into that little gas hole. It's essentially the same thing, but less entertaining.

In fact, every time you put gas into your car, you're defiling the Earth's biggest graveyard, thus making you a world-class grave robber. And that's pretty damn disgusting.

This is you when you fill up your tank.

Here is an alphabetical list of all things that suck about cars:

• Car alarms are the lovechild of Satan, Baalzebub and Richard Simmons.
  
• Car horns make me want choke kittens.
  
• Road rage; complete pussies will turn into monsters when behind wheels, but will always flee or lock their doors when other drivers get out of their cars.
  
• Smashing into a concrete wall at maximum speed will, although painlessly, most likely kill you.
  
• The sound of revving engines makes my skin crawl.
  
• They are killing our lovely planet and giving you lung cancer.
  
• They are noisy.
  
• They make you fat.
  
• They smell bad.
• When you pay for gas, most of the money goes directly into the pockets of a man named Ahmoud who takes baths in goat milk with his 12 hot wives while laughing and chomping on cigars.
  
• You cannot drink and drive. I avoid any activity that prevents me from drinking.
  

Every year Montreal greets the F1 racing competition, and every year it's the same scene. It's a flurry of gold-diggers, business people, phonies, revving engines, booth babes and other douchebaggeries. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again, representing all that is wrong about modern society - mainly extreme materialism, chauvinism and fluorescent colors.

Humanity will not survive.

The only thing that sucks more than cars is boats, and the only cool car ever was Ecto-1, the Ghostbusters car. God bless Dan Aykroyd for that.

Random Hate Nuggets

It's late and I can't sleep. Here are some random things I have hated this week so far:

• Toilet Paranoia: That's basically when you walk out of the men's (or women's) room and have this strange feeling like you got a piece of toilet paper attached to your shoe, or that you stink of excrement or downright have a stain of crap on your pants. You'll spend your time on the verge of panic, avoiding people, until the next time you shower and change clothes.
• The Pube Fairy: At every important meeting, check out the table in the middle of the room. 99.9% chances are there's a big fat black pubic hair laying around in plain sight. Everyone saw it, yet nobody does anything about it. This is caused by the Pube Fairy, who flies around the office dropping pubes at the worst possible places, giggling to herself in absolute revelry.

• Unskippable Bluray Previews: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is a great movie. I don't care what anyone says; if you don't agree, you are wrong. However, the only thing that sucks about it is that it's preceded by horrific, unskippable trailers and previews. It took me 15 minutes before I was able to start the movie, at which point I was so pissed I almost donated all my RRSP's to Al Qaeda.
• Slow Pedestrians: Walking on a sidewalk is like driving. If you're going somewhere, get in the fast lane. If you are retarded, shopping, or both, get in the slowpoke lane and get out of my way so I can get to work.
• No, I will not share my Bejeweled Blitz coins, even though I have a ton I am not using.
• Justin Bieber
  

Voilà!

Today is an important day.

Today, July 25th 2010, is a very important day. I declare today to be the first international "Don't Give a Shit about You Damn Attention Whore" day.


Let me explain. I live in downtown Montreal, and it is a NOISY place to live in. All day long, I am literally peppered with random noises, sights, smells and textures. Let me give you a list of the crap I've had to put up with in the last 7 days:

• About 150 decibels worth of car horns, police sirens and jackhammers
• A gas leak
  
• A loud, red-headed, bearded dwarf
• A man spinning on his head
• A one-armed beggar singing Elvis hits
  
• A trumpeter
• The sight of at least three (3) puddles of vomit
  
• A latino riot
• A stab victim (Ok, that was a year ago, but still... brutal)

Your first natural reflex when seeing either of these things would be to stare longingly while your brain fully grasps its alien, mind-shattering concept. But today is international "Don't Give a Shit about You Damn Attention Whore" day, so there is no need for it.

If you see anything that exceeds the boundaries of what you should have to put up with, take a deep breath, keep your current heading and just ignore it. Today, you are free of any torment caused by an attention whore; enjoy it, because it's a once-a-year opportunity.

Here is a list of other things worth ignoring:

• Puppeteers
• Jugglers
  
• Tap dancers
• People who sing
• People on stilts
• People climbing ladders
  
• Kids throwing fits
• Anyone younger than 21 voicing an opinion
  
• Noisy yellow sportscars
• People walking around with giant heads made of papier maché
  
• People pretending to be drunk and/or crazy
• Cosplayers and furries
  

More car-related hate in my next post.

Faggoty consumer product names

Hello all. Frosty here. First post. Here goes:


When is the last time you drank orange soda? Think for a bit; it may have been decades. You know why? Because no mass-consumer product company can put "orange" on a soda can anymore. They'll write some faggoty thing like "citrus valley", or "clementine nectar", or "sweet tangelo melody". Whatever happened to normal product flavors like "onions", "honey" or "anti-shit smell"?

The next time you go to the supermarket, check out the faggoty names they have for products now:

• Sea Salt & Balsamic Vinegar instead of Salt'n Vinegar potato chips
  
• Spicy Sweet Chili instead of Chili Doritos chips
• Clear Springs, or Clean Linen Glade instead of just... it's fucking Glade, we know it smells good (at least better than excrement)
  
• Riptide Rush instead of... some kind of purple chemical-flavored Gatorade
• Chocolate Chip Cookie Doe instead of holy shit, that sounds awesome
• Vanilla Tango... Jesus Christ guys, do you have to defile vanilla, too?
  
• I think I'm gonna go buy a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookie Doe Haagen Dazs ice cream
• et cetera
  

These are dark, brooding days, people. These are days where one cannot go to Subway and get a sandwich without the ignominous threat of "sweet red onions". FUCK YOU! Nobody touches my onions. We are being overcharged for regular products just because they have faggoty, fancy-schmancy names that make mothers wet their pants with the fake excitement of adding some exoticism to their sad, depressing lives while rolling down the aisles at IGA.

People that double-click hyperlinks should be shot.

Im sorry babe... there is someone else.... and she lets me do whatever i want....

So my wife has started calling my new remote my mistress. She calls it a slut too and frequently asks if i want to be alone with her. (my answer is usually yes...to which she replies "you are an idiot") Who would not want to be alone with this beauty!?! no more 5 remotes that take a up a seat on the couch! ONE REMOTE TO RULE THEM ALL!!!! (it actually said that on the screen the first time i booted it up... how freaking awesome is that?) I heard they are working on a BJ function for the next model....(one can only dream.....)

It's Scary how good these are.....

I was with my buddy Max at work and i went with him on his 3pm walk around the Place Ville Marie in search for snacks when we came across these bad boys.

"Cheeseburger Flavor?" I asked. "They have to be full of shit!"

But of course there was no way either of us would be able to leave the store without buying this bag. We got back to the office and popped it open. I have to say that these are THE MOST ACCURATE TASTING chip i have ever sampled!! Every bite tastes like you are chomping down on a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese! (I am in now way saying that this is good or bad, but we were fucking shocked at how much they tasted like a cheeseburger!)

Plus the Doritos Marketing is just awesome here, LATE NIGHT, (all nighter chips) They are totally right, these chips would be absolutely perfect to eat at 1am when you get a rumbly in your tummy.

Funny meter low on this one... just loved the awesomeness of the chips....

I can actually see how much you smell.

Ah Montreal in the summer time... its so beautiful.... The Jazz Fest! F1! The Comedy FESTIVAL! The city is so green (trees and grass) you can hardly remember the harsh winter from just a few months ago..... Its breathtaking!

Well its also breathtaking for another reason if you take the Metro. This week it has been 32-33 Celsius (44 ish with the humidity) Already hot and disgusting on the street level, when you go down to the metro level (subway) its even hotter and more disgusting. In one of my trips this week i must have sampled 15 different varieties of body odor. It was BREATHTAKING. The smells in the metro are invading my other senses. I Can see and taste some of these smells... Please god let it end there. Thus endith my first RANT. METRO FAIL.

There will be many other rants regarding the metro. (although im soon to be moving to the west island where i will be taking the air conditioned train in every morning, but im sure ill find something wrong with that in no time.)

-avi